How Do I Deal With “Failure,” Sabotaging Myself? After Being So Empowered and Disciplined, I Broke Healing Protocol.

I was enjoying being filled with pride, an elusive feeling for many years, in how disciplined I had been regarding my diet. It had been over a month of selecting a clean, humanely raised protein and an organic green for the day and then mixing in some peppers, tomatoes and maybe some patty pan, zucchini and summer squash that came in our organic CSA (Community Supported Agriculture) share. I was feeling the shackles of food addiction and food preoccupation slipping away.  I was even preparing to release my addiction to feeling an alert and motivated mind that coffee often provides me after a good night’s sleep. Hooray! My energy was still pretty low, which in some part was due to forgetting to take my B-100 vitamin that was hiding behind all of my other bottles in the cupboard. I can’t pinpoint the motivation exactly, probably a combination of feeling I’d earned it and the conditioning of food as a reward, but I wanted German potato salad for my early birthday dinner. Sugar would be too much but I thought I could easily handle some potatoes. Besides, I was kicking ass and I had just read fat and vinegar lowers the glycemic index of potatoes. I thought this would be a reasonable cheat.

The evening of my birthday dinner I was pretty tired. I relied on coffee to give me a little boost. What I didn’t know is that my mother signed us up to do some heavy moving for her neighbor. I did more sitting than moving. It’s always nice to lend a helping hand; but this pushed back our meal time. I figured what the heck and gave in to the nut crackers and cheese the grateful neighbor brought over.  I didn’t notice much discomfort such as stuffiness that often happens with dairy. I then gorged on steak, German potato salad, green beans, and had some bites of squash. The stomachache I anticipated never came. Phew! I was in the clear. Plus, I could mentally will myself to be okay. Just don’t think about it, right?

WRONG! A day or two later I was experiencing, for lack of a better description, crazy brain. It’s often how my head feels when it’s clearing the dysbiosis. I felt fucking intolerably sad, frustrated, angry all at once! I had been told after my last session “remember sugar equals sad.” Fuck, fuck, fuck, sugar and high glycemic foods equal fucking hell for me right now! Why do I do this to myself? The day or evening passed as it always does. Okay. I had a great stretch. I can do it again.

Over the next day or two, I found myself snacking on nuts and seeds and then flax seed crackers in the evening after dinner. They are currently off of the protocol but not horrendous offenders. The strictness of my diet may seem asinine but even healthy complex carbs in nuts and seeds can delay the clearing of metabolites – or worse feed the yeast which is dimorphic and can turn into fungus which must then be converted back into yeast before it can be cleared. Let’s not even get into how I-want-to-blow-my-brains-out-shitty the Herxheimer Reaction can feel. The good news is I had been getting out of the house. Perhaps, the synergy of all of my supplements especially with the B-100, was working. I was hitting the mountains for hikes. I almost always feel happy and at peace in the mountains. It’s a really rough stretch when I don’t leave the house and, if I do, can’t even enjoy being in the mountains. I still choose to remind myself frequently to be present and to focus on what is right there around me. Can I do something about a preoccupation right then? If no, let it go.

The craving got really intense one evening later in the week following my birthday dinner. I was home alone. Dun, dun dun! I went on auto pilot and began searching. I think the withdrawals after my birthday dinner “transgression” and stress from too much coffee and activity caught up to me. I scoured the cupboards. Luckily, after my last cheat, I threw everything that could possibly tempt me away. Well, not everything. My partners bananas were sitting on the counter. I thought of a recipe I had seen. I mixed the banana with ice, coconut cream and, oh look, cocoa powder. I thought I threw that away. Nope. Hmm, what else? I think I found some bread, peanut butter and jelly…

After a lot of practice, I have been able to avoid creating too much judgment and sadness around my dietary choices – though sometimes they don’t feel like choices when my biochemistry is so hijacked – that are not in my best interest. I believe in my integrity and intention to be a good person that acts in the greatest good for all. I also know making myself feel bad will not benefit anyone. However, my behavior must change if I am going to heal. Period. That is the objective reality so how do I best make that happen?

I woke up the morning  after choosing to be optimistic and live in the moment. Yesterday is gone. I am here right now and I can make it great. Why the fuck not? I had a coffee knowing someday I will free myself and for right now 8-16 oz won’t hurt me. Having some energy sure helps! I went for a tiny run, which is contraindicated. I have always seen running as a final frontier to my healing; so, perhaps I did it as subconscious reassurance that I will be okay. On the run, thoughts would drift towards indignation at being in this situation that is so preventable, misleading adds that convince us to poison ourselves and our children, frustration at my lack of will power, dismissive doctors – STOP with these thoughts!!!!!!!! Instead:

  • I have the power to choose a different tape that plays in my head.
  • I ask for help. I ask God, my guides, pure elementals, energies of angels and ascended masters – ANYTHING OR ANYONE OF LOVE AND LIGHT – to help me to join with me in this time and space. I ask all connections and communications be wrapped in light and love. I ask for help clearing ___x,y,z________, clear all, clear miscellaneous. I conclude with ‘thank you, I love you and so it is.’
  • I recite my current mantra “may I be and think from love so I may act in the greatest good.”
  • I am fully capable of freeing myself from being controlled by food, from being controlled by anything or anyone for that matter.
  • I strategize, plan, prepare and prevent. The approach I consider to be most rational and practical is to take advantage of our house full of guests next week to complete the withdrawal phase, which for me has been as long as 3 weeks but seems to be getting shorter.
    • I do better when I am not alone at night.
  • I accept & surrender. Until my nails are completely healthy and my mentor, with over 40 years of experience, tells me it’s okay, I will stay on the dietary protocol I was doing prior to my birthday dinner. I am willing to surrender and do what is necessary. Eliminate chatter in my head regarding what needs to be done.
  • I reframe and change perspective. Thanksgiving – I will begin mentally preparing and focus on reframing. Thanksgiving is about family not food. If I give in, so be it
    • Health for the rest of my life is more important than a momentary indulgence in food. I can do it!
    • Christmas and New Years – same thing.
  • I emotionally connect with what I intend to accomplish. I would like more than anything to be free of lack – a lack of energy, health, money, joy, peace so that I can live in abundance – an abundance of energy, health, wealth, creativity, giving, love, connection.
    • My soul wants to fly and realign with the feeling I had as a young kid that anything is possible.
    • I would really like to travel the world, connect with my highest self to learn more about the truth of the universe, and to better connect with the Elementals, peace, joy and nature.
  • I remind myself to focus more on being, not doing. Golly gee I sure do love moving my body and doing creative, innovative things! Be in the NOW, so I may do from a place of peace and clarity.
    • I remind myself that I do not want to act from fear and feelings of inadequacy so, if there is any anxiety – I must stop and pause.
    • Once I feel clear and at peace, then do.
  • We teach that which we most need to learn. 🙂
  • I conclude with thinking ‘I have set my intentions. Avoid thinking about what will be done in the future. SARA, BE RIGHT HERE!’

Wishing you love, light and kindness,

Sara

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